Animals Featured on the Next Season of “Planet Earth”

A note from Sir David Attenborough: “My entire career has been guided by the belief that there is no limit to the natural beauty of our planet. Unfortunately, I was wrong. When we set out to make this new season of ‘Planet Earth,’ we realized that we had already used all the good animals. The animals featured this time around are truly awful—just real garbage animals. I’m so sorry.”

Ugly Bobcat

This species is critically endangered because it has unreasonably high standards. However, scientists have managed to help increase the population by capturing ugly bobcats and then releasing them back into the wild with paper bags on their heads. The ugly bobcat is one of the few animals in the world that can recognize itself in a mirror, which is unfortunate.

Sloth Spider

This incredibly lazy species of spider can barely muster the energy to slap together two or three threads of silk before saying, “Eh, good enough,” and giving up. It’s got some nerve to call that a web.

Tigers that Joust on the Backs of Elephants Near Volcanoes

This segment was actually going to be really great, unlike the rest of this rubbish. Unfortunately, the cameraman, Gerald, left the lens cap on. Way to go, Gerald. Way to go.

Jerk Bee

Jerk bees are perhaps nature’s biggest assholes. Instead of working together for the good of the hive, they hoard honey for themselves and pull one another’s stingers. When a jerk bee finds a new source of pollen, it returns to the hive and does a celebratory dance to mock the other bees and undermine their confidence.

Savannah Moose

Whoever named the savannah moose really buried the lede, because the most distinctive, obvious feature of this species is that its antlers are shaped like the word “buffoon.” As the antlers suggest, most savannah moose are bumbling and graceless.

Naughty Monkey

This little bastard stole Gerald’s wallet! And then my C.B.E. medal, while I was distracted, laughing at Gerald. Although this monkey was clever enough to outwit the two of us, at the end of the day it’s still just a regular monkey—and a pretty shabby-looking one at that.

Sentient Sea Garbage

The great Pacific garbage patch has spontaneously begun to organize itself into increasingly complex configurations. These trash beings have been observed crafting tools, doing rudimentary calculations, and venerating a figure that researchers are calling “The Garbage King.” By the year 2025, sentient sea garbage is expected to be the planet’s dominant life form.

Cool Ranch Bear

When we first stumbled upon the Cool Ranch bear, we thought that we had discovered a new species. However, we soon realized that these are just regular bears covered in cheesy dust emitted from a nearby Doritos factory. Sadly, the Cool Ranch bear would die were it to be removed from its habitat, as it is addicted to the dust.

Multi-Humped Camel

This animal is more hump than camel. It’s essentially just an ambulatory pile of humps. The multi-humped camel can go years without taking a drink of water, which sounds great on paper, but you can’t even ride it, there are so many humps on this thing.

Sparkle Puppy

O.K., fine, I admit it—there’s no such thing as a sparkle puppy. We put a bunch of tinfoil and Christmas lights on a regular puppy to try to pass it off as a cool new species. All the other animals this season have been so bad! We wanted to have at least one that was fun and exciting. I’m sorry. It was Gerald’s idea.

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