The eighth “Fast & Furious” movie, “The Fate of the Furious,” is coming out on April 14th. It is the first movie in the franchise to be set in New York City. I’m very excited to see how the film portrays the city in which I live. So excited, in fact, that I’ve drafted the following pitches:
Vin Diesel and the Rock want to order Indian food, but they ordered it last night and are embarrassed that the delivery guy knows how often they eat chana masala. They crash their racing car into the restaurant’s kitchen. The delivery guy is there and is like, “Hi.”
Michelle Rodriguez is very tan, wearing very small sunglasses, and sweating, in a hot way. She ducks into a Gap to take advantage of the air-conditioning.
Jordana Brewster and I (I am in this movie) go to this sandwich place I go to because I’m pretty sure it’s where the people who work at Vice get their sandwiches. The guy in front of me orders a sandwich. I’m like, “What’s up with this fool? Is he sandwich crazy?” Jordana laughs, because she knows that’s an actual line from the first “Fast & Furious” movie.
Jason Statham’s car has been stolen, so he hijacks a subway. He is forced to go all the way into Manhattan just to get to another part of Brooklyn. This part of the movie is fifty-one minutes long.
Elsa Pataky is speeding through the city when I randomly cross the street in front of her against the light while doing a little wave, like, “Sorry!” She swerves so violently that her car rolls down Eighth Avenue for twelve blocks. She emerges unscathed but dizzy and is like, “At least I didn’t have to take the L during morning rush hour.”
The entire gang is really, really trying to make it to their friend’s band’s show in the back of a bar/bowling alley, but at the last minute they’re forced to hijack an armored car in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge. They all send texts, like, “I’m so sorry! Next one, I promise.”
Kurt Russell, the leader of a secretive, morally ambiguous police unit, teams up with the gang and offers to buy them all new cars. They go to all those crazy car showrooms on Eleventh Avenue, and Tyrese is like,“But how do they get the cars inside?”
I am driving a stolen Lyft filled with duffel bags full of money when a rando crosses the street in front of me against the light while doing a little wave, like, “Sorry!” I crash into St. Patrick’s Cathedral while yelling, “PEDESTRIANS IN THIS CITY ARE SOCIOPATHS!!!”
The gang learns that the computer chip they are chasing down has been stashed in a secret location at the Cloisters. They decide that it’s too far to travel this weekend but they’re definitely going to go next weekend.
Ludacris’s parents visit, and they take him to the top of Rockefeller Center. “This is touristy and lame!” he yells, and he drives his car off the top of the building, into another building, and then out of that building, into another building.
I fall in love with a very, very muscle-y man who is extremely good at driving (NOT MY USUAL TYPE). He reveals to me that he is a secret D.E.A. agent and I’m like, “At least you’re not in the comedy scene.”
Michelle Rodriguez is tossed out of a car on the B.Q.E., so Vin Diesel jumps out of his car to save her. He grabs her in midair, and they crash through the windows of my B.Q.E.-adjacent apartment. “Wow,” Vin says to me, “the windows of your apartment are so big and beautiful! You must get so much natural light. How did you find this place?”
Tyrese and Ludacris need to get from midtown to Williamsburg and are arguing about which bridge to take. They decide to put it into a G.P.S., and Ludacris pulls up Google Maps. “Are you nuts?!” Tyrese yells. “We gotta use Waze!” Luda is like, “I read that Waze diverts a lot of traffic through residential areas, which is problematic.” They’re paying so little attention to the road that they accidentally drive into the river. Tyrese is like, “Check it out, I’m Sully!” and Luda is like, “ . . . that was the Hudson.”
Jason Statham drives a tank through a wall of Grand Central Terminal. “Whoa,” he says, looking up at the beautiful ceiling, high above. “This is where they filmed the pilot of ‘Gossip Girl.’ ”
The Rock flexes so hard that his cast breaks. I know that already happened in “Furious 7,” but this is my movie and I want it to happen again.
At the end of the film, all the characters decide that it would be nice to say grace and eat dinner together around a big table. They post in their secret Facebook group to try to find a time that they’re all free to do this. After three months of back and forth, they let the idea drop.