New Health-Care Plans Available Under Trump

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CreditPHOTOGRAPH BY ALFREDO FALVO / CONTRASTO / REDUX

PLATINUM

For a monthly premium of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars, this plan gives you prime access to all health-care options—no referrals or medical ailments required! If you’d like an MRI just for the fun of it, you’ll be slid into the very next available magnetic scanning tube. All prescription medication is free, plus the pharmacist has to say, “I love you; you are my moral superior,” when you pick it up.

GOLD

The same as the Platinum Plan, but only available to people who own a gold mine.

SILVER

For the incredible price of just $49.99 a month, you’ll receive a five-hundred-millilitre bottle of an unbelievable liquid miracle cure containing nanoparticle colloidal silver! Just one tablespoon daily will boost immune-system strength, make skin look decades younger, and improve your performance in the boardroom and the bedroom.*

*A study conducted by the Colloidal Silver Foundation of Orlando confirms colloidal silver’s effectiveness. Patient Todd S. reported, “After I started taking colloidal silver, my necrotizing fasciitis cleared up and my blood has skyrocketed in value because of all the silver in it!”

BRONZE

You can see any doctor in your network for only a ten-dollar co-pay. Your deductible is forty million dollars.

CADILLAC

A man in a top hat will throw a crumpled-up hundred-dollar bill at you if he hits you with his Cadillac. (Not to be confused with the ROLLS ROYCE plan, in which your decrepit body will be rolled up into a carpet and sold to a man named Royce.)

TURQUOISE

Only when your lesions turns this color will you be allowed to see a doctor.

REASONABLY AFFORDABLE OPTION

This plan features small co-pays and a low deductible, and allows you to see out-of-network specialists for the in-network price with just a single referral. This shockingly fair option is listed here because decades of social patterning have taught poor people to skip the top half of any list ordered by price.

WOMEN’S EMERGENCY PLAN

If you’re a woman who needs quick and compassionate help with family planning or contraception, this taxpayer-funded plan allows you to see any in-network priest.

BAUXITE

Only covers catastrophic injuries. Only lets you visit a veterinarian.

FELDSPAR

No health care will be provided to you, but nurses will remind any living relatives to mourn you.

AMETHYST

If you often require medical assistance but can’t afford to pay a lot, this plan lets you see—whenever, wherever, and however often you need—a photograph of a doctor. (You will need prior authorization if you prefer to look at a picture of a dog wearing a stethoscope.)

GRANITE

Free pickup of your carcass from the gutter after your death.

GRANITE+

Includes all the features of the Granite Plan, plus a guarantee that you’ll be buried in your own grave.

DIAMOND

You pay nothing up front. You pay nothing later. You receive the highest quality medical care available. No matter what happens to you, you will never die. However, as the centuries pass, you will discover that immortality has its own price.

SINGLE-PAYER

A single payer covers the entire cost of your health care. The single payer is you.

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