Best Original Screenplay
So rarely does a screenplay leave us saying “Wow,” or “That was original,” or “That should really be nominated for an Oscar.” But, this year, the award for Best Original Screenplay goes, uncontested, to “The Speech That Viola Davis Gave.” Not only did it move us to tears but it also moved Davis to tears. Brava, Viola.
Best Foreign Language Film
Foreign films can transcend language barriers with their incredible acting, music, and subtitles. So it is our pleasure to announce that this year’s Best Foreign Language Film is “Tortured American Jimmy Kimmel Struggling Through Nonwhite Names.” His jokes about Mahershala Ali and the Asian woman from the tour group indicate how much he is trying—like every great foreign film—to bridge divides in a cool, totally not racist way.
Best Supporting Actress
A film is only as good as its performances, and this year’s top supporting appearances made us truly grateful for the hard work that actors put into their craft. The best of the best, however, was the Australian film producer Jan Chapman, whom we salute for her role in “In Memoriam.” To cast her, an alive person, in the role of a person who has passed away was a risk that proved well worth it. Way to go, Jan.
Best Visual Effects
Visual effects are what make ideas come to life. They take the imagined world of the filmmaker and turn it into reality (at least on the screen). This year’s Visual Effects Oscar has to go to horror-movie director/producer Donald Trump, for “Making Brown People Like the Iranian Filmmaker Asghar Farhadi Disappear.” Attempting to make so many vanish was a herculean task, but the fact that Trump was able to make even one man disappear has earned him this incredible honor.
Cinematography is about pacing; it’s about timing; it’s about holding a camera and making it mean something. This year’s Best Cinematography award goes to “Panning Straight to Blue-Eyed Wife During ‘La La Land’ Speech.” That speech could not have come to life had it not been for the instant proof that, yes, her eyes are blue.
This year’s Best Actress category was a very tough one to judge. How do you stack performances such as Meryl Streep’s, in “Literally Anything, Any Movie,” against other worthy contenders? Ultimately, this year’s award went to “Every Woman Playing It Cool When Casey Affleck Won,” although we would also like to acknowledge an honorable mention in this category: “Me Playing It Cool When ‘La La Land’ Kept Winning.”
Best Adapted Screenplay
It is not an easy task to take an existing piece of work and transform it for the screen. It requires imagination, it requires vision, and it requires owning Final Draft, which is very expensive. But this year’s Best Adapted Screenplay was a no-brainer. Congratulations to Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty for “Super On-the-Nose Election Allegory with a Nice Twist Ending.”