SPICER: You already got your question, John. We’re doing one-question Friday.
Q: But this is an important point.
MR. SPICER: No, it’s not, John.
—White House press briefing, March 10, 2017
Pool reporters will only be allowed to ask questions in the form of charades, and must exclusively use their hands and bodies to express themselves. The press secretary will have forty-five seconds to guess what the reporter is miming. If the press secretary correctly guesses the entire question, he will answer it. If the reporter makes any noise, he or she is disqualified. No questions about Russia or taxes.
Secretary Spicer will bring donuts for the hardworking reporters and correspondents whose diligence and persistence are a vital part of the democratic process. Also on Donut Tuesdays, “do-not” ask questions about Russia, taxes, or intelligence reports.
It’s a freaky flip-flop day when the press secretary asks the questions and the pool reporters answer! Wednesdays will be a fun learning experience for members of the press pool as they are peppered with questions from Spicer, such as “Not so easy, is it?,” and “Don’t you feel like a decent man just trying his hardest?” No questions about Russia, taxes, intelligence, health care, or how tired the press secretary looks up close.
Members of the pool can wear fun, crazy hats. Secretary Spicer suggests an Indiana Jones fedora (“It had to be a question about snakes?!”), a cowboy hat (“This town ain’t big enough for me to hide forever from you people or my demons!”), or a hat with a propeller on top (“I wish this really could fly me away!”). The pool reporter with the wackiest hat will be invited to a private one-on-one briefing with Secretary Spicer in the room where Steve Bannon pelts him with office supplies. No questions about Russia, taxes, intelligence, health care, foreign policy, or whether Spicer has been crying recently.
The White House press pool will only be allowed to ask one question, in total, no follow-ups. Before the briefing starts, pool reporters will have ten minutes to confer and decide on a question. The question may only be asked by the entire pool speaking in unison, or in a round while Secretary Spicer claps to keep time. No questions about Russia, taxes, intelligence, health care, foreign policy, Congress, or Twitter.
While there is no briefing scheduled for the weekend, members of the press pool will be asked to spend Saturday thinking hard about how they acted over the previous week. Were they fair? What are three things that they will strive to do differently next week? Will they offer Secretary Spicer a job or a place to crash if something happens? Pool reporters can choose to leave a question or an apologetic note to Secretary Spicer with his assistant, enclosed in a pack of Orbit gum. No questions about Russia, taxes, intelligence, domestic or foreign policy, the President, or any scandal from earlier in the week, it goes without saying.
Secretary Spicer will sit alone in the press room with the lights off, listening to his Enya mixtape. This is a moment for Spicer to collect himself and visualize what a good day would look like. No questions at all, about anything political or otherwise. Please, just give him one day.