Tax Help from H&R Block for Robots

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CreditPHOTOGRAPH BY DAVID PAUL MORRIS / BLOOMBERG VIA GETTY

Good morning, Q88R27F, and welcome to H&R Block! Have a seat on our wireless charging pad while we take a moment to retrieve your data.

Let’s get started! In order for us to make sure you receive the largest refund possible, please verify that the following information is correct:

Name (Last, First, Middle): M284845, Q88R27F, Charles

Address: General Motors
 Driverless Car Assembly
 Conveyer Belt 408, Charging Block C, Myrtle Grove, Florida 32506

Filing Status: Married

Spouse’s Name: 
M284845, Evelyn L.

Dependents (3):

  • EN12824, KitchenAid Blender
  • GQC45J0EB1DEN, Samsung Galaxy S II (refurbished)
  • Sally, Roomba at the Pensacola Days Inn

Is that information accurate? Great.

Now let’s take a look at your income for the year:

Job Title:
 Side-View Mirror Caution-Sticker Applicator (SVMCSA)

Equivalent Human Wages: $55,126

Dividends: 
$49 (several shares of 22nd Century Fox)

Social Security Benefits: 17 software updates

Sick Pay: 
$200, during the outbreak of KREMLINb0yZ worm

Real-Estate Income: $1,589 (renting one terabyte of internal storage to nephew QUARB while he gets his shit together)

Cash Prizes: $4,850 (appearance on “BattleBots”)

Jury Duty Pay: $400 (forebot, Peggy’s MacBook v. David’s TiVo)

Superb!

Now let’s review any adjustments we can make:

Education Credit: $438 (monthly anti-spyware file downloads)

Health Savings Deduction: $2,082 (new gears and WD-40 treatments)

Commuter Vehicle Credit: $50 (for six seats on information superhighway)

Alimony Paid:
 $6,500 (to ex-wife Janet, HP OfficeJet 3830 fax machine; constantly needs ink for documents that I never get to see)

Military Retirement Pension: $13,057 (outer metal frame repurposed from missiles)

Disability Credits: $7,901 (technically blind—no eyes)

We’ll also deduct the charitable contributions you made to the Infrared Cross; your alma mater, Central Pennsylvania University (C.P.U.); and your place of worship, the Church of Scientology.

Looks like you’re ready to file! Just sign and click the CAPTCHA below.

I declare that I have examined this return and accompanying statements, and that to the best of my knowledge and belief they are true, correct, and accurately list all sources of income I received during the tax year 2106.

Your signature: __________________________

▢ I’m a robot.

All done! Wasn’t that easy? It was a pleasure assisting you today, Q88R27F.
If you have any further questions, feel free to e-mail me directly, at QAH5F2LL@hrblock.com.

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