The Official United Airlines Dress Code

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CreditPHOTOGRAPH BY SCOTT OLSON / GETTY

United Airlines barred two teenage girls from boarding a flight on Sunday morning and required a child to change into a dress after a gate agent decided the leggings they were wearing were inappropriate.

—the Times.

The United Airlines dress code outlines corporate expectations for clothing worn by our passengers aboard the aircraft. Passengers should keep in mind that, when we are airborne, we are representing United Airlines to other planes, clouds, and sometimes the sun. Your appearance can create a positive or negative in-flight experience; for instance, if any birds catch a glimpse of your inappropriate garments, they might become upset, and we’ve all seen “Sully” by now, right? Here are some guidelines to help avoid that eventuality.

General Policy

— When we’ve made our ascent to around thirty-six thousand feet, we are close to Heaven, and should dress accordingly.

— For women, this means refraining from showing cleavage, too much leg, or the outline of a human body. An example of appropriate women’s wear would be a baggy tuxedo that looks like it belonged to a nineteen-thirties tap dancer, or a full hazmat suit.

— For men, this means covering genitalia.

— Boys under the age of eighteen will not be asked to adhere to a dress code.

— Girls over the age of ten are considered adult women, and must dress accordingly.

— Jewelry is strictly prohibited unless it is a man’s Rolex watch (the kind that shows a lot of time zones).

Exceptions/Special Occasions

Cocktail hour: During our beverage service, flight attendants will present well-dressed passengers with an array of alcoholic drinks in small bottles, and hors d’oeuvres including pretzels and salted peanuts. Only adult male and female passengers dressed in black-tie apparel will be served. (For women this means modest evening gowns, and for men this means jorts.)

Casual Fridays: We like to boost morale by having a casual free-dress day for all flights on Fridays. If the flight is a red-eye, we ask that all passengers return to the regular dress code at the stroke of midnight. (Please consult with a man wearing a time-zone Rolex about when that may be.)

Dress Code for Employees

Female flight attendants/pilots: We require that all female employees dress to the goddam nines, or they will be terminated immediately (even in midair, if we have any parachutes on board).

Men: It’s a flight! We want you to be comfortable. Leggings.

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