“Facebook is looking into the possibility of buying its own video content . . . including original scripted and unscripted shows.”—TechCrunch
Here are some of the exciting shows set to première on Facebook TV next summer!
“Rachel’s Head Shots”
Your friend Rachel just graduated from college and is starting a career as an actor, which means she needs your help picking the perfect head shots! From sexy to serious to goofy to just plain Rachel, this interactive game show gives us an intimate look into Rachel’s daylong head-shot session, which resulted in the careful selection of two hundred and eighty-six pictures of Rachel’s face and upper torso. Help Rachel pick the right head shots, and she might get a commercial agent!
“Hillary Wiccan Roots Revealed”
Join host @DrainSwamp_Frog69 as he takes viewers on a tour, from Hillary Clinton’s childhood haunts in Salem, Massachusetts, to her subsequent teen-age years as a student at Witch Academy, where she honed her spells and also learned how to be corrupt from her teacher, Professor Goldman Sachs. You won’t want to miss this one-hundred-per-cent-real documentary that is totally real and not fake. (Real.)
“Babies and Engagements”
In this exciting news program, TV’s Mario Lopez takes us through the week’s best babies, and also engagements. Cute babies, normal babies, and even certain ugly babies are invited to this party, as are those couples you didn’t even know were dating, and the ones you are certain will divorce within the year. At the end of each episode, a cash award is given to the baby or engagement announcement with the most cloying gimmick! Extra points if it makes our host Mario physically uncomfortable.
“O.K., So I Don’t Normally Do This, But . . .”
You’ve seen the political rants on your feed—now see them performed by some of America’s finest stage actors! Brian Dennehy, Judith Light, Frank Langella, Laurie Metcalf, and others adapt your friends and family’s political diatribes into lengthy monologues. From your high-school crush’s multi-paragraph take on the benefits of socialism, to your aunt Cassandra’s opinion that Donald Trump’s election victory resulted from the current alignment of “tectonic plates”—or something to do with volcanoes?—you won’t believe the emotional intensity of these spectacular performances.
“Your Friend Has Invited You to Play Bubble Island”
A stunning virtual-reality version of some of Facebook’s most exciting games, except you won’t be playing any of the games but, rather, simply staring at an invitation to the game, sent by someone you worked with at Borders Books & Music during the summer between high school and college.
“Oh No, He’s Adding #MAGA to All His Posts Now”
One of Facebook’s few narrative offerings, this hour-long drama follows a young white man (Emile Hirsch) on his journey from normal, caring individual to full-on troll, obsessed with insane conspiracy theories and hell-bent on alienating everyone in his life. Co-starring George Wendt as the young man’s racist neighbor, Phil. Based on literally thousands of true stories!
“A Constant Scrolling List of Your Representatives’ Phone Numbers”
This is just a continuous list of phone numbers for your government representatives. Looping. Over and over. For eternity.
Whether it’s the college acquaintance who has a job travelling the world for seemingly no reason, or photo after photo of your ex-boyfriend’s stunning lakefront property in the Adirondacks that he apparently built with his bare fucking hands, this show is all about exposing your deep, festering resentments. Join renowned psychologist Dr. Raymond LaFleur as he explains the reasons for your bitterness without ever ridding you of it, because it is impossible to extinguish.
As the world crumbles around us, let “Agggghhhhhhhhhhhhh” provide that extra dose of terror. Hosted by an animated swirl of color and sound, “Agggghhhhhhhhhhhhh” is a recap of the day’s most mind-blowingly terrible news from your Facebook feed, delivered at a unbearably high decibel.